outfit inspiration: white

My husband loves white slutty clothes.  Not because they’re slutty so much, but because they’re white.  (And if you’re wondering, yes, he did love my glittery, pearl- and rhinestone-embellished ballgown of a wedding dress.)

Adorable Bride Outfit, $82.95 | Dreamgirl White Jacquard Reversible Corset, $56.95 | 3 Piece Peasant Top Skirt Set, $32.95

White Bridal Corset and Skirt Set, $68.95 | Strapless Gown with Sequin Mesh Waterfall Skirt, $107.95 | Tube Dress With Large Chrome Sequins, $65.95

Sexy Chiffon Veil with Satin Headband, $14.01 | BodyZone Goddess of Resurrection Lace Tri-Top Set, $19.95 | Lace Top Thigh High Bridal Stockings, $8.95

Solid Pleated Skirt with Side Zippers, $26.95 | Tattoo Skirt, $21.95 | Hanky Panky ‘I Do’ Low-Rise Thong, $32

Aldo ‘Gutenberg’, $75 | Pleaser Thigh High Exotic Dancer Boots, $75.99 | Pleaser White 6-inch Ankle Strap Platform Stripper Shoes, $33.24

outfit inspiration: pink & black

Outfit inspiration for those of you who aren’t sure what to wear with what.

A sexy trick: wear thigh-high stockings that have some sort of backseam detail (such as a bow at the top) under thigh-high boots.  The bows will peek out, just over the top of the boots — hot!!

1. Sexy Hot Pink Fantasy Platform Stocking Boot, $75.99, Electrique Boutique | 2. Pink Bow Back Lace Stockings, $14.95, 3Wishes.com | 3. Sexy Hot Pink Tie Back Cowl Exotic Dancer Top, $14.99, UpscaleStripper.com | 4.  Wet Look Booty Shorts, $15.99, ODGirl.com | 5. Industrial Net Long Sleeves Mini Dress w/G-String, $10.95, Yandy.com | 6. Hot Pink Elbow-Length Temptress Gloves, $9.88, Amazon.com | 7. Striped Bra & G-String, $19.95,  Yandy.com

my favorite stockings

My husband is all about stockings.  This means that I’ve (we’ve?) gone through about 200 pairs just in the past two years (you think I’m exaggerating…but I’m really not).  This puts me in the unique position to review stockings — and yes, there are good stockings and bad stockings.  Here are some of my favorite pairs:

Sheer Lycra Heart Stockings (Amazon, $5)

These elastic-top thigh-high stockings are one of my husband’s favorite pairs.  They’re extremely thin and sheer, which makes them a little sexier, and they do run easily.  Luckily, the runs only make them look trashy a.k.a. hot (according to the boy).  Also, wear the bows in the back — it’s sexier.

Sheer Pinstriped Thigh-Highs with Bow (Sock Dreams, $9)

We first found these in a little (expensive) boutique for $13.  Again, the sheerness is sexy — also, it allows the stocking to go further up your leg — and the pinstripes make your legs look longer and sexier.  My only complaint is that the little bow becomes untied rather easily, and, well, they’re pricier than other stockings.

Vinyl-Top Fishnets (Flirt Catalog, $13.50)

These are expensive, but they’re actually worth it.  Very few thigh-high stockings stay up comfortably for an entire night, even if (especially if?) they’re “stay-up” style elastic.  These vinyl-top thigh-highs stay up fantastically, however, and they also look great, especially if you’re going out.

what a boy wants

Before we get started with turning you into the perfect porn star wife, let’s take a step back.

Do you honestly have any idea what your husband wants, sexually?

“Of course I do, he wants me,” is not an acceptable answer.

My husband is thankfully straight forward when it comes to what he wants.  If he likes something he sees — be it porn, a dress some girl is wearing on the street, or a double cheeseburger — he has no problem pointing it out to me and describing exactly what he likes about it.  Unfortunately for the female population, most guys aren’t like my husband — they’re not terribly adept at pointing out details in what they appreciate about, say, the fairer sex, and this often lands them in trouble with, well, the fairer sex.  For example, if a guy says some girl is “hot” to his wife/girlfriend, without articulating exactly what makes the girl “hot,” he’s likely to offend his lady (think about the difference between “that girl is hot” and “the dress that girl is wearing would look really good on you” or “I like her hair, you should try doing yours that way sometime”).

The moral of this story is that you probably have no idea what your husband wants sexually, unless the two of you are uncharacteristically open with each other.  And even if you are uncharacteristically open, chances are you only know what he wants right now.  Guys (and a lot of girls) appreciate variety, and if you’re in a monogamous relationship, that means it’s up to you to be, well, varied.

The easiest way to figure out what he likes, if he’s typically male and a “big picture” sorta guy (the “big picture” orientation of the male brain is one of the reasons guys are unable to aptly articulate what they like — they just don’t know.  A lot of guys will say something like, “I like red lingerie,” but there are about eight thousand different styles of red lingerie.  This big picture orientation is also why they never notice when you get your hair cut) is to watch porn.

Three types of red lingerie. My husband only likes one of these.

Yeah, porn.  If you don’t want to watch it together, that’s fine (though, honestly, if you’re having sex with the man I’m not sure what the big deal is) — just have him send you a few links of porn scenes/sites he enjoys.  I guarantee you that most men, barring the religious sector, have a few porn sites in their bookmarks.  Once he’s sent you the links, actually take a look — and pay attention to details.

It’s important to remember, especially if you’re easily offended, that just because he links you to a site doesn’t mean he wants everything in any particular scene to happen.  This is why it’s better to view it with him, so he can at least try to point out what he finds sexy.  Also remember this, if you start feeling self conscious because your body isn’t exactly like the porn stars’: he married you.  Guys don’t usually marry girls they find sexually unattractive — so brush off your insecurities.

If you can’t figure out exactly what he’s into based on his porn tastes, ask him specific questions.  Don’t ask him “what do you like about this scene,” ask him “do you like her stockings?” or “do you like her eye makeup?”  (This is also something you can do in real life — point out random women on the street and ask if he likes their dress/skirt/shoes/bracelet/necklace.  If you get a lot of “Dunno,” ask him if he’d like it if you wore that dress/skirt/shoes/bracelet/necklace.  Hopefully he’ll give you a better answer.)

If your guy is still a mystery after all of this hard work, then it’s time to do some recon.  And by recon I mean just start mixing it up and see what he responds to.

So go do your thing ladies, and once you’ve figured out what your boy wants — report back to me and we’ll get started.