can’t have it both ways

Inspired by Alte’s post: A woman is a finite resource.

Alte makes a good point — in certain unnamed parts of the web, I see a lot of guys complaining that they can’t have the perfect, gorgeous, sexual, submissive, domestic, religious, virginal wife who cooks, cleans, pops out children, is skilled in all areas of sex, and who manages to have an extracurricular activity that’s both feminine and profitable.  In fact, in some parts of the web I even see guys who want a complete paradox in a woman, such as a demure, virginal girl who also looks exactly like a porn star.  Yeah — never going to happen.

I am many things that a man wants, physically.  I’m tall, I’m athletic, I’m extremely well-proportioned, and I have long hair, smooth skin, and just enough muscle tone.  I’m also sexually submissive and insatiable, I love prancing around in heels and short skirts, and I’m generally fun to be around, optimistic, and easy-going.  I’m intelligent and logical, I don’t care about money, and I hate talking about “us.”  Also, I know how to hack an Xbox Kinect, beat the house at blackjack, and kill a deer, all in heels (except for that last one), of course.  Plus, I like kids and animals and I make awesome home-made chili!  Yeah, I’m pretty good wifey material.

Actually, I’m not.  I’m cocky — hey, you don’t walk around looking like I do without knowing it — and I love attention, especially male attention.  I’m fun to be around, but I’m also loathe to be serious — in any context.  I’m intelligent and logical, but I also lack that sexy mystery of the emotionally-driven female.  I hate talking about “us,” and I mean I really hate talking about “us.”  Getting me to discuss relationship issues is like pulling teeth.  I don’t care about money to the point where if you’re making a lot, you’re setting the stage for a big turn-off.  I can do all of those fun boy things such as hacking, gambling, and shooting big game, but I can’t do any of the girl things such as…getting a tan, or shopping, or getting my nails done.  I do like kids and animals, and I do make awesome food, but I also don’t do laundry until I’ve been going commando for a few days, and I eat food out of the pan in order to avoid having to do more dishes.

Now some of these things may sound pretty cool to some guys — such as the fact that I don’t like to shop or get my nails done — but reality is this: even to the guys who say they don’t want a girl who shops all the time, a girl who hates shopping sets off red flags.  And a girl who really hates when guys have a lot of money?  Well that means you’re going to have to bring something — something big, that’s not money or status — to the relationship.

No, it’s not ideal at all, is it?  But you can’t have it both ways.

my favorite stockings

My husband is all about stockings.  This means that I’ve (we’ve?) gone through about 200 pairs just in the past two years (you think I’m exaggerating…but I’m really not).  This puts me in the unique position to review stockings — and yes, there are good stockings and bad stockings.  Here are some of my favorite pairs:

Sheer Lycra Heart Stockings (Amazon, $5)

These elastic-top thigh-high stockings are one of my husband’s favorite pairs.  They’re extremely thin and sheer, which makes them a little sexier, and they do run easily.  Luckily, the runs only make them look trashy a.k.a. hot (according to the boy).  Also, wear the bows in the back — it’s sexier.

Sheer Pinstriped Thigh-Highs with Bow (Sock Dreams, $9)

We first found these in a little (expensive) boutique for $13.  Again, the sheerness is sexy — also, it allows the stocking to go further up your leg — and the pinstripes make your legs look longer and sexier.  My only complaint is that the little bow becomes untied rather easily, and, well, they’re pricier than other stockings.

Vinyl-Top Fishnets (Flirt Catalog, $13.50)

These are expensive, but they’re actually worth it.  Very few thigh-high stockings stay up comfortably for an entire night, even if (especially if?) they’re “stay-up” style elastic.  These vinyl-top thigh-highs stay up fantastically, however, and they also look great, especially if you’re going out.

what a boy wants

Before we get started with turning you into the perfect porn star wife, let’s take a step back.

Do you honestly have any idea what your husband wants, sexually?

“Of course I do, he wants me,” is not an acceptable answer.

My husband is thankfully straight forward when it comes to what he wants.  If he likes something he sees — be it porn, a dress some girl is wearing on the street, or a double cheeseburger — he has no problem pointing it out to me and describing exactly what he likes about it.  Unfortunately for the female population, most guys aren’t like my husband — they’re not terribly adept at pointing out details in what they appreciate about, say, the fairer sex, and this often lands them in trouble with, well, the fairer sex.  For example, if a guy says some girl is “hot” to his wife/girlfriend, without articulating exactly what makes the girl “hot,” he’s likely to offend his lady (think about the difference between “that girl is hot” and “the dress that girl is wearing would look really good on you” or “I like her hair, you should try doing yours that way sometime”).

The moral of this story is that you probably have no idea what your husband wants sexually, unless the two of you are uncharacteristically open with each other.  And even if you are uncharacteristically open, chances are you only know what he wants right now.  Guys (and a lot of girls) appreciate variety, and if you’re in a monogamous relationship, that means it’s up to you to be, well, varied.

The easiest way to figure out what he likes, if he’s typically male and a “big picture” sorta guy (the “big picture” orientation of the male brain is one of the reasons guys are unable to aptly articulate what they like — they just don’t know.  A lot of guys will say something like, “I like red lingerie,” but there are about eight thousand different styles of red lingerie.  This big picture orientation is also why they never notice when you get your hair cut) is to watch porn.

Three types of red lingerie. My husband only likes one of these.

Yeah, porn.  If you don’t want to watch it together, that’s fine (though, honestly, if you’re having sex with the man I’m not sure what the big deal is) — just have him send you a few links of porn scenes/sites he enjoys.  I guarantee you that most men, barring the religious sector, have a few porn sites in their bookmarks.  Once he’s sent you the links, actually take a look — and pay attention to details.

It’s important to remember, especially if you’re easily offended, that just because he links you to a site doesn’t mean he wants everything in any particular scene to happen.  This is why it’s better to view it with him, so he can at least try to point out what he finds sexy.  Also remember this, if you start feeling self conscious because your body isn’t exactly like the porn stars’: he married you.  Guys don’t usually marry girls they find sexually unattractive — so brush off your insecurities.

If you can’t figure out exactly what he’s into based on his porn tastes, ask him specific questions.  Don’t ask him “what do you like about this scene,” ask him “do you like her stockings?” or “do you like her eye makeup?”  (This is also something you can do in real life — point out random women on the street and ask if he likes their dress/skirt/shoes/bracelet/necklace.  If you get a lot of “Dunno,” ask him if he’d like it if you wore that dress/skirt/shoes/bracelet/necklace.  Hopefully he’ll give you a better answer.)

If your guy is still a mystery after all of this hard work, then it’s time to do some recon.  And by recon I mean just start mixing it up and see what he responds to.

So go do your thing ladies, and once you’ve figured out what your boy wants — report back to me and we’ll get started.