do you always dress like such a slut?

Heh.  This is funny.  I was checking trackbacks to my blog (yes, I do that), and I saw this comment by the lovely Lily over at Rivelino’s blog:

I’m not sure if it is just in the bedroom for sex or whether that’s her style all the time. She did say she lives in California though so it’s not like she lives in Manhattan. Style seems a bit Vegasy though which if memory serves me rightly is in Nevada not CA though close enough. As I said, may just be a bedroom thing. I like her though, she’s funny.

I just think this is awesome and hysterical.  That said, of course I don’t dress like that all the time.  Obviously.  I thought this would have been obvious, but I guess I was wrong.

Anyway, here’s what I do wear on a day-to-day basis (everything pictured is something from my closet):

Jeans

7 For All Mankind ‘Roxanne’ Skinny Jeans | $178

Jeans are totally the staple of my closet.  I love jeans.  Jeans forever!  Team denim!  You get my point.  I love jeans because they’re cute, practical, and easy to wear.  Also, they allow me to do things like climb trees, race motorcycles, and play football.  My favorite jeans: Seven, Armani, and Abercrombie.

T-shirts

Go Make Noise Double V-Neck Tee | $29

Yes, I’m not big on shirts that require a lot of work to put on.  And by “a lot of work,” I mean anything with a button, a zipper, or a clasp.  These things annoy me.  T-shirts are amazing.  My favorite brands: I like all t-shirts.  I don’t discriminate.

Short Skirts

A&F Blythe Skirt | $58

I wear mini-skirts, but they’re not mini-stripper-skirts.  I only wear skirts that can be worn with sneakers or flip-flops.

Sneakers

Skechers Shape-Ups Toners | $80

I’ve recently fallen in love with Sketchers Shape-Ups — not because they tone my calves (as far as I can tell, they don’t do this), but because they’re sparkly.

Other Footwear

Havaianas ‘Slim’ Flip Flop | $24

In the winter, I wear boots and skinny jeans, instead of sneakers (never wear sneakers with skinny jeans, unless they’re Chuck Taylors and you’re a hipster!  Even then, don’t do it!).  In the summer, I usually wear flip-flops (Havaianas, to be exact).  I sometimes wear wedges, and I rarely wear heels unless I’m “going somewhere.”

Big, Obnoxious Sunglasses

Dior ‘Classic 1’ Oversized Square Sunglasses | $275

The boy says I look like a bug.  I say, “Why you hate bugs?”

The Occasional Dress

Herve Leger | $1350

Sometimes I go all out and don a dress in a non-going-somewhere-context.  Usually short, but occasionally long.  I do love Herve Leger.

outfit inspiration: white

My husband loves white slutty clothes.  Not because they’re slutty so much, but because they’re white.  (And if you’re wondering, yes, he did love my glittery, pearl- and rhinestone-embellished ballgown of a wedding dress.)

Adorable Bride Outfit, $82.95 | Dreamgirl White Jacquard Reversible Corset, $56.95 | 3 Piece Peasant Top Skirt Set, $32.95

White Bridal Corset and Skirt Set, $68.95 | Strapless Gown with Sequin Mesh Waterfall Skirt, $107.95 | Tube Dress With Large Chrome Sequins, $65.95

Sexy Chiffon Veil with Satin Headband, $14.01 | BodyZone Goddess of Resurrection Lace Tri-Top Set, $19.95 | Lace Top Thigh High Bridal Stockings, $8.95

Solid Pleated Skirt with Side Zippers, $26.95 | Tattoo Skirt, $21.95 | Hanky Panky ‘I Do’ Low-Rise Thong, $32

Aldo ‘Gutenberg’, $75 | Pleaser Thigh High Exotic Dancer Boots, $75.99 | Pleaser White 6-inch Ankle Strap Platform Stripper Shoes, $33.24

porn star makeup 101: running mascara

Her makeup is messed up, but she's still hot.

If you watch enough deep throat porn, you’ll notice that a lot of the girls end up with mascara dripping down their faces.  Guys who like gagging usually like tears — the good kind, of course.  However, if you wear contacts (like yours truly), it’s hard to let the tears run free without a little pain — mascara in your eye can halt the sexy pretty fast.  For both of you, that is — he’s not going to want to continue if you’re cringing and trying to blink eye makeup out of your cornea.

So here’s a tip for girls with sensitive eyes — wear two coats of waterproof mascara and a third very light coat of regular mascara on your bottom lashes only.  This way, when you start tearing up, you’ll still get a sexy porn star running mascara look — without all the pain and cringing.

Hot.

Another photo, courtesy of Lubrax.

outfit inspiration: pink & black

Outfit inspiration for those of you who aren’t sure what to wear with what.

A sexy trick: wear thigh-high stockings that have some sort of backseam detail (such as a bow at the top) under thigh-high boots.  The bows will peek out, just over the top of the boots — hot!!

1. Sexy Hot Pink Fantasy Platform Stocking Boot, $75.99, Electrique Boutique | 2. Pink Bow Back Lace Stockings, $14.95, 3Wishes.com | 3. Sexy Hot Pink Tie Back Cowl Exotic Dancer Top, $14.99, UpscaleStripper.com | 4.  Wet Look Booty Shorts, $15.99, ODGirl.com | 5. Industrial Net Long Sleeves Mini Dress w/G-String, $10.95, Yandy.com | 6. Hot Pink Elbow-Length Temptress Gloves, $9.88, Amazon.com | 7. Striped Bra & G-String, $19.95,  Yandy.com

can’t have it both ways

Inspired by Alte’s post: A woman is a finite resource.

Alte makes a good point — in certain unnamed parts of the web, I see a lot of guys complaining that they can’t have the perfect, gorgeous, sexual, submissive, domestic, religious, virginal wife who cooks, cleans, pops out children, is skilled in all areas of sex, and who manages to have an extracurricular activity that’s both feminine and profitable.  In fact, in some parts of the web I even see guys who want a complete paradox in a woman, such as a demure, virginal girl who also looks exactly like a porn star.  Yeah — never going to happen.

I am many things that a man wants, physically.  I’m tall, I’m athletic, I’m extremely well-proportioned, and I have long hair, smooth skin, and just enough muscle tone.  I’m also sexually submissive and insatiable, I love prancing around in heels and short skirts, and I’m generally fun to be around, optimistic, and easy-going.  I’m intelligent and logical, I don’t care about money, and I hate talking about “us.”  Also, I know how to hack an Xbox Kinect, beat the house at blackjack, and kill a deer, all in heels (except for that last one), of course.  Plus, I like kids and animals and I make awesome home-made chili!  Yeah, I’m pretty good wifey material.

Actually, I’m not.  I’m cocky — hey, you don’t walk around looking like I do without knowing it — and I love attention, especially male attention.  I’m fun to be around, but I’m also loathe to be serious — in any context.  I’m intelligent and logical, but I also lack that sexy mystery of the emotionally-driven female.  I hate talking about “us,” and I mean I really hate talking about “us.”  Getting me to discuss relationship issues is like pulling teeth.  I don’t care about money to the point where if you’re making a lot, you’re setting the stage for a big turn-off.  I can do all of those fun boy things such as hacking, gambling, and shooting big game, but I can’t do any of the girl things such as…getting a tan, or shopping, or getting my nails done.  I do like kids and animals, and I do make awesome food, but I also don’t do laundry until I’ve been going commando for a few days, and I eat food out of the pan in order to avoid having to do more dishes.

Now some of these things may sound pretty cool to some guys — such as the fact that I don’t like to shop or get my nails done — but reality is this: even to the guys who say they don’t want a girl who shops all the time, a girl who hates shopping sets off red flags.  And a girl who really hates when guys have a lot of money?  Well that means you’re going to have to bring something — something big, that’s not money or status — to the relationship.

No, it’s not ideal at all, is it?  But you can’t have it both ways.

how to deep throat

The movie based on the guy who's name was based on another movie!

There are plenty of articles out there that will tell you how to pretend to deep throat — in other words, how to wrap your hand around one end of his penis and put your mouth on the other end so that he gets the same “feeling” of deep throat.  Well, here’s a newsflash for you: deep-throating isn’t that hard, you slacker!

That said, it can be a little intimidating if you’ve never done it before.  So here’s how to deep throat (for beginners!):

Lie on your back with your head over the edge of the bed – This position opens your throat by putting everything in a straight line.  Unless your guy’s dick is less than 4″ long, it won’t be able to fit in your mouth — it’s going to have to go into your throat (hence the name!)

Have him put his penis in your mouth until he hits your gag reflex – You’ll know when he hits your gag reflex because you’ll start gagging.  Crazy how that works!  Once his dick is that far back, relax and swallow a few times.  It’ll feel good for him, and it will help you get over the gag reflex.  You’re not choking to death, crazy body of yours who is trying to save you, you’re just swallowing someone’s cock!

Take a deep breath and relax, and then pull him into you – Should go right in, no problem.  For the first few times, you should definitely be the one in control, because you’ll be able to tell if you’re going to throw up or not.  Also, take that deep breath through your nose…duh.

Practice – Eventually, you’ll be able to control your gag reflex on a whim.  If you practice, that is.  For the first few times, go slowly and RELAX.

—

A few things:

1.  You do need to practice and keep practicing in order to get your gag reflex under control.  Forever, basically.  It’s a “use it or lose it” kind of deal.  Now, you can practice by shoving your husband’s cock down your throat (the fun way!) or by sticking anything down there for a few minutes a day.  Toothbrush, finger, celery, etc.  Do this every day for as long as you can without throwing up, and you’ll eventually be able to control the gag reflex.

2.  Sometimes gagging can be hot…just a note

3.  This is also how sword-swallowers do it.

my favorite stockings

My husband is all about stockings.  This means that I’ve (we’ve?) gone through about 200 pairs just in the past two years (you think I’m exaggerating…but I’m really not).  This puts me in the unique position to review stockings — and yes, there are good stockings and bad stockings.  Here are some of my favorite pairs:

Sheer Lycra Heart Stockings (Amazon, $5)

These elastic-top thigh-high stockings are one of my husband’s favorite pairs.  They’re extremely thin and sheer, which makes them a little sexier, and they do run easily.  Luckily, the runs only make them look trashy a.k.a. hot (according to the boy).  Also, wear the bows in the back — it’s sexier.

Sheer Pinstriped Thigh-Highs with Bow (Sock Dreams, $9)

We first found these in a little (expensive) boutique for $13.  Again, the sheerness is sexy — also, it allows the stocking to go further up your leg — and the pinstripes make your legs look longer and sexier.  My only complaint is that the little bow becomes untied rather easily, and, well, they’re pricier than other stockings.

Vinyl-Top Fishnets (Flirt Catalog, $13.50)

These are expensive, but they’re actually worth it.  Very few thigh-high stockings stay up comfortably for an entire night, even if (especially if?) they’re “stay-up” style elastic.  These vinyl-top thigh-highs stay up fantastically, however, and they also look great, especially if you’re going out.

heels in bed

Guys love when you wear heels to bed.

Um, no, not to sleep in.

Guys love when you wear heels during sex.  And it doesn’t matter what type of heels they are, either — just about any will do, especially if it’s the first time.  Sure, you’ll eventually get to the point where you have a bunch of “bedroom” shoes, but for now you can start with those sexy 4-inch stilettos that you never wear out because they hurt your feet (though the studies say that wearing heels out will also help your sex life).

What’s that?  You have no sexy shoes?  Here are a few pairs to get you started:

Red OLSHAN Pumps, Aldo Shoes

$75

You know what they say about red…makes a matador go “hell yeah.”  Pumps are usually a hit, but they can occasionally be a miss.  If they’re something you’d wear to the office (and not in a “sexy secretary” sort of way), then you should probably not wear them to bed.  Especially if they’re the pumps you wear to the office before you change when you get to your desk.

Betsey Johnson Neville II Leopard Peep-Toes, Endless.com

$91

I love these leopard-print peep-toes.  They’re super sexy and feature a shiny, mirrored heel.  Plus, the tread is practically sneaker tread — just in case you ever do have the urge to wear them out.  If animal print’s not your style, try the romantic version of the Neville II in pale pink rose texture.  Peep-toes are a little sexier and more daring than pumps, but they’re still conservative enough for first-timers.

Pleaser Mid-Platform 6-inch Clear Heel, ODGirl.com

$44

This is a great introductory stripper shoe.  Yeah, you know lucite heels are sexy — plus, they’re usually a more affordable option (ranging from $35 – $75).  Stripper heels generally come in 6-, 7-, and 8-inch heel heights, though I have seen 5- and 9-inch shoes (these are rare, though).  Don’t be too scared off by the heel height, though, because a) the platform makes it a bit easier to cope with and b) if you’re walking very far in these shoes, you’re doing it wrong.

Pleaser Black Women’s Seduce Patent Boots, Shoes.com

$55

Over-the-knee (fake) patent leather boots?  What guy isn’t going to like these?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.  I actually own these — they’re not terribly high-quality, but they’re good enough for sex.  OTK boots are not the only sexy type of boot out there, however–knee-high boots can also be hot.  Just stay away from flat boots, slouchy boots, and rain boots.

Sexy Platform Maribou Shoes, WildFree.com

$45

These shoes make that old boudoir style (maribou) a little sexier with a clear plastic heel and platform.  These are a lot sexier than kitten heels, which really have no place in the bedroom (in my opinion).  The maribou trim can help take the hard edge off of the stripper shoe style, if that’s what you’re into.

Shoes not to wear:

UGGs, UGG Australia

$120 – $170

Under no circumstances is it okay to wear UGGs anywhere near the bedroom.  Honestly, you shouldn’t even wear them outside the bedroom, but I’m not going to judge.  Because they are ugly.  The name should give you a hint.

Steve Madden Zurick Open-Toe Ankle Boot, Endless.com

$74

Ankle boots are generally best left to the runway and other high-fashion areas.  They’re not sexy — I hate to say it, but they just aren’t.  They’re fashionable, but that’s another story.  Especially if you’re not wearing pants (and you hopefully aren’t, in bed), they just cut your leg off at the wrong place and make your calves look fat and short.  A lot of women have issues with their bodies as it is, do you really want to knowingly make yourself look fatter and shorter?

Other shoes to avoid: motorcycle boots, sneakers, clogs, ballet flats, slippers, and Crocs.