how to wear a wig…in bed

Everybody loves variety, especially in the bedroom.  That doesn’t mean you have to go crazy and get plastic surgery, or even a haircut — just wear a wig to mix it up.

I know what you’re thinking…wigs are great and all, but it’s not exactly easy to get down and dirty when you’re wearing fake hair.  And your wig falling off in the middle of sex — not very sexy.

What you need:

– A couple of hair elastics

– 15 – 20 bobby pins — fewer if you have shorter hair, more if you have longer or thicker hair

– A wig cap

– A sexy wig!

1. Put your hair in a low ponytail and then pin the ponytail flat against your head. The ponytail should be very low, so you won’t get an unsightly bump on the back of your wig.  Use as many pins as you like — make sure nothing is sticking out.

2. Pin your bangs/the front of your hair flat against your head.

3. Put the wig cap over your hair, starting from the front.

4. Put the wig on!  Start from the front (get it positioned at the right place on your forehead).  Try not to snag it on any of the bobby pins already in your hair.

5. Pin the wig in place.  I like to use two bobby pins on each side of the wig, and a couple “inside” the wig — just stick ’em through the wig cap.

6. Go girl-on-top or doggy style for this one.  You can do missionary, but be sure to keep your hair from getting caught under your back — your wig will start to come off,and that’s not super hot.  If your wig starts to come off, sexily run your hands through your hair and gently tug the wig back into place.  Your guy will be so hot and bothered to begin with that he won’t even notice you’re doing damage control.

Tips:

– Wigs with bangs usually work best, because they hide the hairline area. If you must wear a wig without bangs, you may want to put a wide headscarf or wrap around it to disguise the hairline area.

– If you’re not going to spring for a high-quality natural-looking wig (usually $100+), it’s usually better to go for the punky, brightly-colored wigs — they are thicker and better quality than similarly-priced “natural” looking wigs.  I like this one.

putting on a good show

Here’s something I hear all the time — both in real life, and in movies, TV shows, and magazines: “We tried to film ourselves having sex, but then we watched it and…OMG…we looked awful.”

A lot of couples try filming themselves — you know, just to spice it up in the bedroom and feel like porn stars.  But then they make the mistake of watching it…and, unless they actually happen to be porn stars, it often looks like a disaster.  Legs are splayed, there are fat rolls where there shouldn’t be, and the rhythm is all off.  Ultimately, a mix of “being in the sexy haze of sex” and not being used to being on camera means that home-made sex videos usually look like crap.

But this doesn’t have to be the case!  Here are some tips that will help you look svelte and sexy on camera, or just in front of your spouse:

– Always, always arch your back!  Arching your back is probably the number one thing you can do to improve your sexiness.  This position puts both your boobs and your butt on display, and elongates your torso.  If you’re on your knees, arch your back.  Doggy-style, always arch your back.  The only time you don’t need to worry about arching is when you’re in missionary — but you can still do it, and it will still look better.

– Wear false lashes.  True story, false lashes make everyone look better on camera.  If you’re actually filming yourself, throw a few sultry, sexy glances at the camera.  Don’t stare it down, but definitely turn your head a few times and give the camera a knowing look.

– Wear heels.  Heels make your legs look better whether you’re standing up or on your back.  Remember to point your toes — girls often let their legs get lazy.  Keeping your toes pointed will help you keep your legs flexed and taut, which prevents you from getting sloppy.

– Beware of the missionary position.  Realistically speaking, what feels good in real life usually doesn’t look great on camera.  The missionary position looks especially bad on camera, unless you spice it up a little.  Arch your back, ALWAYS wrap your legs around him, and pull yourself into him.  The more real movement there is, the less you will look like two worms drowning in a puddle.

– When you’re on top, move your arms.  Play with yourself — your boobs, your hair, lean back and grab your ankles, whatever you want.  Remember — more movement is better.

– Put your fingers in your mouth.  As cheesy as this sounds, it looks great on camera and your guy will think it’s super hot.  This should be self-evident, but don’t just leave your fingers there — lick them, draw them out of your mouth, and trail them down your body.

– Switch positions often.  The camera likes movement, and gets bored easily.  You can go back and forth between a few different positions, as long as you’re constantly moving between them. Bonus: switching positions will help a guy who has premature ejaculation issues last longer.

– Be confident!  This is probably the biggest issue people have when they film themselves doin’ it: insecurity.  Lack of confidence — hiding your body, constantly looking at the camera, etc. translates to awful on camera.  Likewise, extra confidence — even if you’re not the hottest, sleekest thing around — will make you look so much better on camera that you won’t even notice any extra fat rolls.

do you always dress like such a slut?

Heh.  This is funny.  I was checking trackbacks to my blog (yes, I do that), and I saw this comment by the lovely Lily over at Rivelino’s blog:

I’m not sure if it is just in the bedroom for sex or whether that’s her style all the time. She did say she lives in California though so it’s not like she lives in Manhattan. Style seems a bit Vegasy though which if memory serves me rightly is in Nevada not CA though close enough. As I said, may just be a bedroom thing. I like her though, she’s funny.

I just think this is awesome and hysterical.  That said, of course I don’t dress like that all the time.  Obviously.  I thought this would have been obvious, but I guess I was wrong.

Anyway, here’s what I do wear on a day-to-day basis (everything pictured is something from my closet):

Jeans

7 For All Mankind ‘Roxanne’ Skinny Jeans | $178

Jeans are totally the staple of my closet.  I love jeans.  Jeans forever!  Team denim!  You get my point.  I love jeans because they’re cute, practical, and easy to wear.  Also, they allow me to do things like climb trees, race motorcycles, and play football.  My favorite jeans: Seven, Armani, and Abercrombie.

T-shirts

Go Make Noise Double V-Neck Tee | $29

Yes, I’m not big on shirts that require a lot of work to put on.  And by “a lot of work,” I mean anything with a button, a zipper, or a clasp.  These things annoy me.  T-shirts are amazing.  My favorite brands: I like all t-shirts.  I don’t discriminate.

Short Skirts

A&F Blythe Skirt | $58

I wear mini-skirts, but they’re not mini-stripper-skirts.  I only wear skirts that can be worn with sneakers or flip-flops.

Sneakers

Skechers Shape-Ups Toners | $80

I’ve recently fallen in love with Sketchers Shape-Ups — not because they tone my calves (as far as I can tell, they don’t do this), but because they’re sparkly.

Other Footwear

Havaianas ‘Slim’ Flip Flop | $24

In the winter, I wear boots and skinny jeans, instead of sneakers (never wear sneakers with skinny jeans, unless they’re Chuck Taylors and you’re a hipster!  Even then, don’t do it!).  In the summer, I usually wear flip-flops (Havaianas, to be exact).  I sometimes wear wedges, and I rarely wear heels unless I’m “going somewhere.”

Big, Obnoxious Sunglasses

Dior ‘Classic 1’ Oversized Square Sunglasses | $275

The boy says I look like a bug.  I say, “Why you hate bugs?”

The Occasional Dress

Herve Leger | $1350

Sometimes I go all out and don a dress in a non-going-somewhere-context.  Usually short, but occasionally long.  I do love Herve Leger.

full-time vs. part-time homemakers

I note this comment over at Alte’s blog, by David Collard:

My wife seems to manage to do both. She works weekdays, except Wednesday, which she basically takes off to catch up on washing (laundry) and sometimes shopping. She does most of the traditional housewife stuff but also earns some money in a more junior position than mine. I earn the bulk of (but not all) the money. I do home handyman (some) on the weekends. I think we are a bit overstretched, especially as we have three children, two of whom are on the autism spectrum.

And Alte’s response:

May I suggest that:

1. Your wife has much more income to her disposal than many/most housewives.
2. Your wife is not raising young children.
3. Your wife is not homeschooling.
4. You are not often away for long business trips.
5. If your wife is a part-time homemaker she will not accomplish as much as a full-time homemaker, and you simply do not miss the things she isn’t doing.

In other words, she manages to do it because she is doing less than I am, and she has more support and help than I do.

Which prompts the question (but does not beg it), are full-time homemakers doing it for themselves, or for their husbands and families?  The traditional response is that they are doing it for their husbands and families, and that they should be content and happy to work for such amazing “bosses.”  Fine, I don’t have contention with the idea that working to better the lives of the people you care about is a good thing (though it’s extremely idealistic to imagine most people will see it this way — sorry, that’s just the way the world works).

But I’m not sure that full-time homemakers are doing it for their husbands and their families.  Barring the existence of young — and we’re talking not-in-school (I don’t believe in homeschooling, but that’s a topic for another time) — children, a full-time homemaker is likely not improving the lives of her husband and/or children enough to warrant zero paid working hours.

As Alte says, “a part-time homemaker will not accomplish as much as a full-time homemaker, and you simply do not miss the things she isn’t doing.” And there’s the issue.  If the husband and/or children do not miss the things she isn’t doing, i.e. they are not critical for the happiness and health of the family, then why is she doing them?  I’m not talking about things that the husband is just “taking for granted” — no, because when you take something for granted you don’t miss it until it’s gone…but you do miss it, when it’s gone.  I’m talking about little homemaker flourishes that men don’t even notice — when it’s there, or when it’s not there.

As I stated in an earlier post, I am far from “a housewife.”  A commenter pointed out that perhaps my husband simply “forgives” me for not doing as much housework, because I’m tremendously sexy:

A husband only cares about his wife not doing enough housework if the house is a COMPLETE disaster, or if other areas are lacking. Based on this post, you do enough work around the house so that it doesn’t turn to hell, and based on other blog posts, you sex your husband up enough to the point that he should be a happy man. So yeah, you’re not a housewife but I’m sure it’s forgiven, lol.

Now, it’s true that my husband and I are always forgoing productive tasks in favor of sex, but that likely has little to do with his non-issues about me and my non-housewifeyness.  The reader did touch on the root of the issue, which is that the husband usually only cares “if the house is a COMPLETE disaster.”  Quite frankly, men often have lower standards when it comes to basic housework than do women.  It’s not until the laundry hasn’t been done for about two months, that my husband even takes note.  And this usually has little to do with the growing pile of laundry overtaking our laundry room, and more to do with the fact that he’s run out of socks.

Luckily for my husband, I have all the housework standards of a teenage boy.  So while we both do a little housework here and there, neither of us really notices if the house is going to hell until one of our friends says they’re coming over to hang out.  Then, of course, comes the mad dash to put everything in the spare room and close the door.  The point is this: I could cook and clean all day long, and my husband would hardly notice it.  In fact, if I were to clean all day I’m sure my husband would just feel uncomfortable, and like he didn’t live there.

My mother is impeccably neat and organized.  My father is not.  When my mother asks my father to clean something, he does what he thinks is a great job, but what is barely up to the standard of my mother.  Is the moral of this story that my mother is just that much better at housework?  No, it’s that my mother is an obsessive-compulsive crazy person who would find most hospitals to be full of uncleanliness.  When my mother is working, is there a drop in her housework and homemaking?

Yes.

Thank god.

 

outfit inspiration: white

My husband loves white slutty clothes.  Not because they’re slutty so much, but because they’re white.  (And if you’re wondering, yes, he did love my glittery, pearl- and rhinestone-embellished ballgown of a wedding dress.)

Adorable Bride Outfit, $82.95 | Dreamgirl White Jacquard Reversible Corset, $56.95 | 3 Piece Peasant Top Skirt Set, $32.95

White Bridal Corset and Skirt Set, $68.95 | Strapless Gown with Sequin Mesh Waterfall Skirt, $107.95 | Tube Dress With Large Chrome Sequins, $65.95

Sexy Chiffon Veil with Satin Headband, $14.01 | BodyZone Goddess of Resurrection Lace Tri-Top Set, $19.95 | Lace Top Thigh High Bridal Stockings, $8.95

Solid Pleated Skirt with Side Zippers, $26.95 | Tattoo Skirt, $21.95 | Hanky Panky ‘I Do’ Low-Rise Thong, $32

Aldo ‘Gutenberg’, $75 | Pleaser Thigh High Exotic Dancer Boots, $75.99 | Pleaser White 6-inch Ankle Strap Platform Stripper Shoes, $33.24

wifey material

I followed a link from Paige’s blog to PMAFT’s blog, at which there’s an article lamenting the lack of women who are full of wifely goodness.  I’ll go ahead and say it right now — I agree with Paige, Sir PMAFT is being a bit of a drama queen.

That said, the article illustrates more than PMAFT’s melodramatic soul when it comes to the modern day woman.  It also illustrates just why the men of The Spearhead/MGTOW are never going to get what they want.  Because, you know, they have no idea what they want.

PMAFT says:

There’s a long list of issues that make women below marriage quality.  Some of these issues are as basic as lacking cooking knowledge.  A better way of putting that would be a lack of basic life skills knowledge.  Lots of women are varying degrees of being entitlement princesses.  Many women have assimilated feminist contempt and hate for men, and that includes conservative, and tradition church going women who insist they are “not feminists”.  Most women are completely unsuitable for motherhood.

Ah, yes, the epic list.  Lacking cooking knowledge!  Entitlement princesses!  Man haters!  Unsuitable mothers!

Look, I’m not saying that the modern-day woman is a domestic goddess who will settle for the first random dude who comes along and bask in his manly glory, because she isn’t.  That said, ragging on women’s cooking skills is just stupid, considering that anyone with half a brain can whip up a decent meal.  In fact, because most young adults live on their own for at least some period of time before settling down, they’re actually quite good at whipping up a decent meal (and on a budget, too).  As for the other chores, again, it gets did somehow.  And hey, here’s the good news: if she’s never lifted a finger to do laundry or cook, that means you’ve got yourself a sugar mama!

As for the rest of it — entitlement princessery, hatred for men, blah blah blah, this is a complaint I only hear from one type of guy.  Hint: it’s not the type of guy women want.  I’ll agree, though, it is unfortunate for some of the betas out there that they are now expected to bring it.

And just a note on women being unsuitable for motherhood — most people are completely unsuitable for parenthood until, oh HELL NO, nature throws them a baby or two.  Especially back in the day when people were more prone to popping out babies at 14 or 15?  I can say with a fair degree of accuracy that these kids were not models of epic parentdom.

More PMAFT:

Sexual behavior is a huge problem too.  Even among traditional church going women you’re still not going to find any virgin women (if we’re talking about a traditional Christian perspective of marriage quality women) outside of isolated and obscure communities and churches which you will never be able to access since you weren’t born into them.

If, and only if, you, as a man, are saving yourself for your future wife — in other words, you are a virgin yourself, then fine.  Find a sexy virginal girl and marry away.  But if you’re not a virgin, then not only can you not complain, but you should be seriously worried about a girl past her teenage years who is still a virgin.  Because, damn — she cold.

PMAFT words:

Except for men willing to go expat (and there’s a shrinking number of destinations available for this), very few men should get married.

Oh, right, because women who are willing to marry outside their culture/race/country are really going to be paragons of wifely femininity.  If she’s willing to deny her family, culture, country, and language for you, she wants your money.  If there’s one good thing we can say about American women, it’s that they’re less — not to be confused with “not” — mercenary than other women.

—

Ultimately, this is what I see guys complaining about — and honestly, that’s only on the internet…the guys I know in real life are chillaxin’, getting laid, and generally fine with the world — the lack of women who are willing to be paragons of domestic wifeyness for one thing in return: ca$h.  These guys complain that they are guys with stable, well-paying jobs and so…they should have some girl doting on them when they get home.

Seriously, that’s it.  When you ask what they have to bring to the table, they can’t come up with anything except some excuse of, “Back in the 1950’s I would’ve had a wife who would have loved my financial stability.”

Obsidian said it well over at Alte’s blog:

I love the idea of being able to appeal to a Woman on the basis of me alone; that she has chosen me, not because I’m a meal ticket or because she couldn’t do any better, but because I was able to effectively make my case as a Man and in having strong seduction skills. I don’t need money, education or “status”; I only need these. All of the Women I’ve dealt with had more formal education than myself, and in many cases outearned me; they all could have chosen to marry that Big Law, doctor or MBA type and live a sedate life out in the burbs but didn’t, and chose me instead. When I asked them why, they all told me the same thing – because said guys were “boring” – in other words, they lacked GAME.

Excellently put.

porn star makeup 101: running mascara

Her makeup is messed up, but she's still hot.

If you watch enough deep throat porn, you’ll notice that a lot of the girls end up with mascara dripping down their faces.  Guys who like gagging usually like tears — the good kind, of course.  However, if you wear contacts (like yours truly), it’s hard to let the tears run free without a little pain — mascara in your eye can halt the sexy pretty fast.  For both of you, that is — he’s not going to want to continue if you’re cringing and trying to blink eye makeup out of your cornea.

So here’s a tip for girls with sensitive eyes — wear two coats of waterproof mascara and a third very light coat of regular mascara on your bottom lashes only.  This way, when you start tearing up, you’ll still get a sexy porn star running mascara look — without all the pain and cringing.

Hot.

Another photo, courtesy of Lubrax.

housework

I spent most of today doing housework.  I cleaned the bathrooms, cleaned the kitchen, ran the sweeper, did 3 weeks’ worth of laundry, and went shopping for groceries and other supplies.  Ugh.

Housework totally depresses me.  It’s very mundane, I can’t surf the internet while doing it (for the most part), and the chemicals give me a headache.  However, in between chore-type things, I also did some non-housework.  Now it’s 3 a.m., and I’m totally exhausted (don’t feel too sorry for me, though, I woke up at noon today).  I thought of the various housewifey blogs that talk about how housework is so much easier and fun if you don’t have a non-housewife job.

I’m not sure I agree with this.  The actual housework itself is not terribly taxing — in fact, it’s just mindless enough that it bores me, but also just involved enough that I can’t really do anything else concurrently.  Not for real, anyway (watching TV and listening to music doesn’t count).  Actually, the only thing that kept me from breaking down in a fit of exhausted tears was my job, which I love so much that it’s like a fun vacation for me.  I imagine that if I wasn’t working “outside” the home (though I technically work from home), I’d honestly go crazy.

My husband, on the other hand, is the opposite.  He also loves his job (he’s also self-employed), but if he wasn’t working “outside” the home he’d chill out all day and read books and think life was generally fantastic.  I’m not exactly Type A, but he is very Type B.

Anyway, housework is done for the next month, as far as I’m concerned.  The boy can fold the laundry and do the dishes.  I would totally hire someone to do all this, but we live in a two-bedroom apartment.  Hiring someone feels a bit like a cop-out.  That said, our “second income” (mine) is fairly significant, and so maybe a cop-out is in order.

Yeah, I fail as a housewife.  But I’m hot, so who cares?

outfit inspiration: pink & black

Outfit inspiration for those of you who aren’t sure what to wear with what.

A sexy trick: wear thigh-high stockings that have some sort of backseam detail (such as a bow at the top) under thigh-high boots.  The bows will peek out, just over the top of the boots — hot!!

1. Sexy Hot Pink Fantasy Platform Stocking Boot, $75.99, Electrique Boutique | 2. Pink Bow Back Lace Stockings, $14.95, 3Wishes.com | 3. Sexy Hot Pink Tie Back Cowl Exotic Dancer Top, $14.99, UpscaleStripper.com | 4.  Wet Look Booty Shorts, $15.99, ODGirl.com | 5. Industrial Net Long Sleeves Mini Dress w/G-String, $10.95, Yandy.com | 6. Hot Pink Elbow-Length Temptress Gloves, $9.88, Amazon.com | 7. Striped Bra & G-String, $19.95,  Yandy.com

can’t have it both ways

Inspired by Alte’s post: A woman is a finite resource.

Alte makes a good point — in certain unnamed parts of the web, I see a lot of guys complaining that they can’t have the perfect, gorgeous, sexual, submissive, domestic, religious, virginal wife who cooks, cleans, pops out children, is skilled in all areas of sex, and who manages to have an extracurricular activity that’s both feminine and profitable.  In fact, in some parts of the web I even see guys who want a complete paradox in a woman, such as a demure, virginal girl who also looks exactly like a porn star.  Yeah — never going to happen.

I am many things that a man wants, physically.  I’m tall, I’m athletic, I’m extremely well-proportioned, and I have long hair, smooth skin, and just enough muscle tone.  I’m also sexually submissive and insatiable, I love prancing around in heels and short skirts, and I’m generally fun to be around, optimistic, and easy-going.  I’m intelligent and logical, I don’t care about money, and I hate talking about “us.”  Also, I know how to hack an Xbox Kinect, beat the house at blackjack, and kill a deer, all in heels (except for that last one), of course.  Plus, I like kids and animals and I make awesome home-made chili!  Yeah, I’m pretty good wifey material.

Actually, I’m not.  I’m cocky — hey, you don’t walk around looking like I do without knowing it — and I love attention, especially male attention.  I’m fun to be around, but I’m also loathe to be serious — in any context.  I’m intelligent and logical, but I also lack that sexy mystery of the emotionally-driven female.  I hate talking about “us,” and I mean I really hate talking about “us.”  Getting me to discuss relationship issues is like pulling teeth.  I don’t care about money to the point where if you’re making a lot, you’re setting the stage for a big turn-off.  I can do all of those fun boy things such as hacking, gambling, and shooting big game, but I can’t do any of the girl things such as…getting a tan, or shopping, or getting my nails done.  I do like kids and animals, and I do make awesome food, but I also don’t do laundry until I’ve been going commando for a few days, and I eat food out of the pan in order to avoid having to do more dishes.

Now some of these things may sound pretty cool to some guys — such as the fact that I don’t like to shop or get my nails done — but reality is this: even to the guys who say they don’t want a girl who shops all the time, a girl who hates shopping sets off red flags.  And a girl who really hates when guys have a lot of money?  Well that means you’re going to have to bring something — something big, that’s not money or status — to the relationship.

No, it’s not ideal at all, is it?  But you can’t have it both ways.